How to Defend Against the Home Invader, Claus
by dhauren
Summary: Set in my Blame it on the Vodka universe. Santa looks a little different when seen by Asgardian eyes. Loki folded his arms across his chest. "Reindeer cannot fly, Stark. So therefore, the sleigh itself must be enchanted."


Tony Stark failed miserably at looking innocent. Loki could sense that the man was trying very hard, but there was still a mischievous sparkle to the billionaire's eyes that made the God of Mischief instantly suspicious of what he was being told.

"Tell me again," he requested. "Tell me of this Midgard holiday called Christmas."

Stark shrugged. "You're not a dumb guy, Loki. Which part of it did you need me to go over again?"

Loki's lips thinned. "The part where I need to secure my home from an unwelcome visitor who travels around the world in a magical flying sleigh and invades personal residences."

Stark's eyes rolled. "The sleigh isn't magical. It's pulled by reindeer."

Loki folded his arms across his chest. "Reindeer cannot fly, Stark. So therefore, the sleigh itself must be enchanted."

"The reindeer are special, Loki. They _can_ fly."

"And I am to believe they are led by a specimen with an overly large, glowing red nose?"

"Yeah. Rudolph. You should totally appreciate him, my man." Stark leaned back against the wall. "He's like you were. Different, small, left out of everything."

Sometimes, the urge to toss Stark out of another window was almost overpowering. Loki found himself gritting his teeth. "You really should try to remember that I am a prince of Asgard and have the magical ability to turn you inside out."

The billionaire rolled his eyes again. "Whatever. So…are you with me so far on the preparations?"

Loki frowned. "First I must raise a tree within my living quarters, and adorn it with decorations. This will help to appease the invader known as Claus. Then, I must sit out poisoned milk and sweet treats."

"Poisoned?" Stark yelped, eyes going wide. "No no no. Why would you poison the milk and cookies?"

Loki titled his head to one side. "Why else would you set out food and drink? Unless…you are actually paying tribute to the fiend? He will continue to invade your homes if you continue to feed him. Poisoning the food and drink will discourage him from returning."

Tony slapped a hand to his forehead. "Um…I think this is getting away from me. You want him to visit."

Loki folded his arms across his chest. "A clever ruse while gathering important intel on your home," he muttered. "I would not have expected you, Stark, to fall for such a simple trick."

He called his armor, letting it encase him, and pulled out his cell phone at the same time. "Brother – we will soon have a battle on our hands. I will meet you at your home to discuss the pending invasion of Claus." He snapped the phone shut, noting Stark's open mouthed expression. "I go to make preparations. I suggest you do the same."

He blinked out, registering Stark's protest as he left.

* * *

Darcy laughed until tears squirted from her eyes. The picture was perfect! Tony Stark, with his eyes wide open and his hands held up defensively, soundlessly protesting Loki's grim determination to defend against the evil Claus.

"That was mean," she finally said, wiping at the moisture in her eyes.

Loki grinned at his woman. "It was too irresistible to pass up. He was trying very hard to trick me into believing the nonsense he was saying, figuring that I would still be too ignorant of Earth customs to know what he was talking about."

Darcy snorted more laughter. "Serves him right. You should totally take Thor and crash his place on Christmas Eve, claiming that the evil Claus had just barely escaped."

Loki's eyes lit with unholy mischief. This was why he loved his woman. "That is simply a wonderful idea. Warn Pepper, please."

* * *

Tony and Pepper had just returned to their rooms from a Christmas Eve party, which Thor and Loki had been conspicuously absent from. It was worrying Stark, Loki could see, as the couple entered their rooms. He was well hidden from their eyes, and even Jarvis was in on the joke, responding to Stark's queries that the location of the Asgardian duo was unknown.

Thor was silent beside him, waiting with a huge grin. He too wore his armor, and Mjolnir was liberally smeared with fake blood. "Shall we complete this?" he asked softly.

Loki nodded.

They busted through the door, trampling it under their feet and drawing yells of surprise from Stark and Pepper, even though she knew it was coming.

Stark's eyes went wider as he took in their disheveled state and the blood on Mjolnir. "Oh my god. Please tell me you didn't kill any reindeer."

Loki whipped his head from side to side, as if scanning for a threat. "Claus evaded us. He is slippery and tricky for an old man."

Thor made a show of flicking the blood off of Mjolnir. "He was lucky to escape. But I worry for you, Stark. The evil fiend will come for you now."

Tony was babbling, hands flapping uselessly at the Asgardian duo. It was too much for Pepper, who began laughing helplessly at his side. That took Stark by surprise, and he paused, staring at his wife, and then at his friends.

"You…you played me?" he finally asked.

Loki straightened, dismissing his armor. "As you sought to play me. Perhaps this will be a lesson to you, Stark."

"Jarvis!" The billionaire was grumpy.

"Yes sir?"

"Why didn't you warn me?"

There was a pause, uncharacteristic of the AI. "In the interest of self preservation, I could not convey a warning. Miss Lewis is quite frightening at times."

Stark's eyes narrowed. "I see. I'll remember this, you know."

Darcy poked her head in the door. "Merry Christmas, Tony!"

As Loki took his leave, a chortling Thor trailing behind him, he heard the billionaire grumbling empty threats.

"Just wait, Reindeer Games. Just wait."

* * *

_So I felt like revisiting Vodka for some holiday crack. Hope you enjoyed. _

_I don't own it. But I wish that some of it would come wrapped up with a bow on Christmas Day!_


End file.
